Ego Has no Place on the Water Or in the Meeting Room

*This is part of a series of blogs which weave a narrative retelling of a kayak adventure and links that experience to a specific leadership/ organizational principle. My wife hates this story as it involves a near drowning experience. If you would like to skip over the Kayaking portion of this article you can scroll down to “Ego has no place in the meeting room” for my reflections.

It had been a hard couple of months, both professionally and personally. My father had just passed away a month before I convened a national conference on immunization policy and practice. After the dust settled, my wife had a conference to attend in B.C. and I had the weekend to myself in late October, so I thought some solo-camping would clear my mind.

I was running late and showed up to the launching point in a small northern Quebec town around 4pm with the sun due to set around 6pm. It was windy and overcast, the radar showed about an hour’s worth of rain due to pass over me in half an hour’s time. I was kicking myself for running late, but I focused on the options in front of me. Wait out the storm, and kayak in relative calm in the dark, or launch now, kayaking in a bit of rain and wind but showing up in time to set up in the light.

I had to cross a large lake to enter the channel to my camping spot, but it wasn’t a great distance if I cut across the center, I figured maybe an hour of paddling. I have paddled in some atrocious weather and felt I had the skills to tackle what was coming, so I decided the sun was more important to me and that if anything I may appreciate the challenging conditions as a cathartic exercise. I unloaded my car, filled my boat up to the brim (I had packed for a glamping trip) and was about to set out when I realized I forgot my lifejacket in the car. I was feeling rushed and frankly a bit annoyed with myself, so I hemmed and hawed about going to retrieve the lifejacket figuring I’ll just be fine, but one of my other philosophies kicked in “never put off what only takes a couple of minutes, there are not shortcuts to life”.  So, a bit begrudgingly, I grabbed my lifejacket, double checked my boat and set off as it began to rain.

I had on a rain jacket, my keys and phone in a waterproof case in my pocket, while I paddled. It was windy and the rain was steady but nothing I couldn’t handle in my trusty Cedar Courage Kayak. I have paddled in significantly worse conditions dozens of times, admittedly never solo. As I continued to cut across the large lake I left the protected cove of the bay on my right. The fetch across the large body of water started to create waves of around 3 feet from the north-east, while I was hoping to head north-west. This meant that I needed to correct my angle every second paddle to meet the oncoming waves and avoid capsizing. *Thump* *Thump*. My boat would rhythmically crash down after rising to meet these larger waves head on. I was now in the center of the lake, 2 kilometers from where I had launched and about 1.5 kilometers from either shore. *Thump* *Thump* the rain was coming steady and the gusts of wind made them unpredictable and occasionally reaching closer to 4 feet. I was starting to panic.

My ego, and a totally self-fabricated sense of urgency, had gotten me into this dangerous scenario. I desperately tried not to panic as I put all my energy and my many hours of training into managing this complicated situation. Unfortunately, my boat was overloaded and, in my haste, I had not balanced properly. *Thump* *Thump*. I was overboard.

My adrenaline had already been pumping, but nothing quite prepares you for being in the middle of a lake during a rain storm at the end of October with temperatures hovering around 10. Fortunately I am a strong swimmer. I was able to take my bearings and right my boat, but the waves were coming fast and furious, there was no way I’d be able to get back into my kayak in these conditions. I made some quick decisions. I kicked off my shoes, shimmied out of my spray skirt, oriented my boat to be pushed back to shore with the waves to maximize my chance of ever seeing it again, and started to swim.

Swimming in a storm is a different experience all together. I felt tiny as each wave engulfed me. I could only breath to my left side as every time I looked to the right I was facing into a new wave. I was about 1.5ish kilometers away but with every two strokes forward I was pushed a stroke back and felt like I was swimming on a treadmill set to maximum incline. I swam hard for what felt like forever, with no opportunities to rest. I was freezing and my adrenaline was so high I could taste it. I do not want to think what would have happened had I not gone back to my car for my lifejacket. After working harder than I’ve ever worked in my life before or since, I made it to the shore. I dragged myself out of the water, frozen, shoeless, and about a 5 kilometers hike through the woods and A.T.V. trails from where I was parked. All I wanted to do was sleep. I summoned all my willpower to keep moving. I dragged myself up and over the bank and navigated back to the car, thankful beyond words that my keys and phone were in my rain jacket pocket (side note, my phone still worked which is about as serious an endorsement of the MEC brand phone drybag as exists).

During this walk I had some choice words for myself, not worth repeating here, but the gist was “how could I have been so arrogant and stupid”. At first, I focused on the individual technical errors that I committed, how I had loaded the boat, the navigational line I chose, which way I leaned when that final wave hit, etc. But the truth is this comedy of errors was caused by ego and nothing else. I had made decisions based on ego, I disregarded the input from my team (in this case my wife), and I rushed when slowing down could have measurably improved outcomes. These mistakes haunt me when I think where they could have led.


Ego has no place in the meeting room

I see ego-related missteps in the workplace all the time, in-fact I’ve committed many of them. However, I am constantly working to reflect on my areas for growth and lead by example. I continue to strive to create environments where ego isn’t needed and isn’t rewarded. I have been lucky enough to have been led myself by some great leaders who have embodied these principles. They have been the smartest person in the room while simultaneously the quietest. The best leaders are humble. People are drawn to those who can show vulnerability, who include teams in design and are receptive to pushback, and who elevate others for their accomplishments. Leaders are stewards of their organization and while they have confidence and professional will, they also have personal humility and see themselves in service to the organization’s larger goals, not their own. Below are a few reflections of my favourite books I’ve read so far in my own reflections about ego and building high-trust teams.

One of the more transformative leadership books I’ve ever read was "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team" by Patrick Lencioni. In his work he tells the fictional story of a new CEO taking over an executive team, each highly skilled individually, but the team without trust. This lack of trust undermined their ability to work in tandem, there was no shared vision for the organization, but rather ego-based silos created through petty infighting which was threatening to drown the company. The new CEO, whose special skill was team building, was quick to fire even the strongest individual performers if they weren’t of service to the team. No one individual can be stronger than a team. Lencioni advocates for vulnerability-based trust, noting that once a team has trust and alignment, they can accomplish incredible things. As I always say, “the only way to do hard things is: Together”.

This isn’t so different from discussion of Level 5 Leadership in "Good to Great," by Jim Collins. He recognizes that a leader may still have to have invoke his position as leader, but this confidence and gravitas are not ego-driven, rather a blend of professional will and personal humility. For him, leaders who seek success for their own glorification will fail, but if they see themselves as stewards of their organization's purpose, they can turn good companies great! Great leaders focus on raising others. Collin’s level 5 leader looks similar again to Bob Sutton’s “Friction Trap” leader who knows when to flex the hierarchy. Sometimes leader must create rigid hierarchies during difficult activities, but they spend more time with their hierarchies flat to ensure creativity is prioritized and new leaders can emerge. Flat hierarchies are only possible when leaders put their own egos aside and prioritize creating psychologically safe spaces for teams.

Leadership takes many skills, some leaders are stronger in certain areas than others, but one thing they all share is they are great communicators. Communication is more than being the funniest person in the room or a great storyteller, it is the ability to create a bridge between individuals. Charles Duhigg in “Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection” is a powerful reflection on just that idea. Again, vulnerability is they key ingredient. Duhigg tells the story of a failing Cold-War spy who has yet to flip an informant. When he finally gets close to an Iranian secretary and reveals that he works for the CIA she shuts down, her trust was broken, she was afraid of the consequences, and with her mind racing she fled. He was able to secure one last dinner with her to try and convince her to join. He practiced all day what how he would reason with her, but by the end of their dinner he was sure he had failed so he gave up trying and just listened instead. He heard her fear, professional sure, but also deeply personal, and he resonated with it. He shared back how he had been failing at work, and how he felt he was failing in life. He shared he wanted to join the CIA to be part of something important but that now seemed impossible. He was vulnerable. This vulnerability, and his ability to hear her and reflect back her emotions, helped convince her to be one of the best CIA assets in history. James Bond is fun to watch but would be a nightmare to have a long dinner with. Trust comes from vulnerability, not ego.

Amy Edmondson in “The right kind of Wrong” explores the link between psychologically safe teams and high-performance teams. She highlights a study of surgeons who were experimenting with a new approach to minimally invasive cardiac surgery. 16 surgery programs implemented this new minimally invasive procedure. The new approach was not more technical, but it was still a challenge for surgeons who had to adapt to a more team-based model. The key change was that everyone in the room would need to be able to speak up and nurses had a much more prominent role. After the trial, some teams continued with this new procedure, while other reverted back to the surgeon-centric approach which required significantly longer recovery times for patients. The successful teams were those who embraced a culture of open communication, curiosity, and vulnerability.

Teams need to know you practice what you preach. The first time I managed a large team, I was excited but also nervous. When you are entrusted with a big project and large team it’s easy for your ego inflate. But I was coming from the outside and knew I would have blind spots aplenty, so when I gathered my full team for the first time, I read a passage from "The Power of Teamwork" by Brian Goldman. I read from the chapter “Pushback” about how in the airline industry they normalize pushback against the captain, because everyone has skin in the game and the stakes are high. Statements that ring true in healthcare as well. So, I promised the team, if ever I was asking them to do something that they didn’t understand, felt uneasy about, or disagreed with, they were encouraged to feel safe pushing back. At first, few team members pushed, when some finally did I made sure to reward them for it! We would analyze the concerns together as a team giving them that second opportunity to discuss and think through the proposed changes. Afterwards we would decide on the way forward together, sometimes it would be the same way, other times it would be a new direction, but regardless the team would have had that second chance to reflect. In fast changing environments this trust is doubly important, ego-driven command and control style leadership will never bring a team along a change journey with the same success as humble leaders. Humility, inviting the team to become partners in the process, and the willingness to show vulnerability to create trust are key to ensuring the team creates lasting and sustainable change.    

These books and philosophies have transformed the way I think about ego in the workplace, and on the water. However, this article was still an especially difficult reflection for me. Where do I get off writing about ego, is that not itself an act of hubris? Maybe. I have had people I trust deeply reflect that this is an area of growth for me. The truth is I have grappled for years with how I can show up authentically, which for me is often confident, eager, energized, while not appearing ego-driven, arrogant, or dominating the conversation. This is doubly difficult as I recognize and am deeply conscious about my positionality as a white, able-bodied, educated, male. I can’t change these things about myself, but I can commit to always being reflective and using a growth mindset to improve wherever I can. I can just do the work to ensure I am always trying to be my best self. I choose a growth mindset, I will continue to declare my positionality, and I will continue to bring my best ideas forward and be of service to the greater purpose of our collective activities. I will always bring my full self to conversations, my strengths and my vulnerabilities, and I will always put the team first and ask for feedback often to ensure I stay on track. At least, I will always try.